Rejected Exam Questions Part 4/Sex 104

Here's a sample question for pathology answered by an anonymous dental student. The answer is actually wrong, I put this here so you can see how not to answer the question and what sort of comments the lecturer would give.

Q. A 50 year old male presented with persistent morning stiffness for at least 1 hour everyday for the past 6 weeks, swelling of metacarpophalangeal joints on both sides, with ulnar deviation of the fingers. Radiographically, there is erosion of the articular surfaces of the matacarpophalangeal joints. Serum analysis showed high amount of rheumatoid factor.
a) What is your best diagnosis?
b) What are the clinical features of this condition?
c) What are the treatment options?

A. The patient is obviously suffering from a 'morning boner' aka 'morning glory' aka 'morning wood' because he presented with morning stiffness of more than one hour. I regularly have morning stiffness of several hours every morning. It was quite embarrassing when I was younger and my mother would come to wake me up but now I sometimes accidentally poke my girlfriend and wake her up, then she gives me a treat in the morning.

The aetiology of this condition is unknown. One predisposing factor is the urge to pee. For example, a person with a full bladder is more likely to get a morning stiffness and that will prevent him from wetting his bed because people generally don't pee when they have an erection. It really is difficult to pee with an erect penis, as proven by this clip.

Besides preventing bed wetting, morning stiffness can also act as a signal to wake up the patient and instruct him to go to the toilet. For example, patients who lie face down on the mattress are more likely to be woken up when they press their 'morning glory' against the mattress and they will then proceed to the toilet to relieve themselves. Patients who sleep on their back are less likely to wake up and might wet themselves. This system is a double edged sword because it does alert you that your bladder is full but it's also difficult to pee with an erect penis.

The pathognomonic clinical feature of morning stiffness is an unusually erect penis that will not go away no matter how hard (pun intended) the patient tries.

Morning stiffness is not a serious problem and doesn't need to be treated. However, if it happens in an awkward situation, such as when you really want to pee or when you are having a sleepover with some friends or when you're at the swimming pool, no amount of thinking about baseball will help. What will help is having sex or masturbating.

In conclusion, the patient has morning stiffness, which is characterized by an unusually erect penis and is treated with sex or masturbation.

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That was the student's answer. Now here's the LECTURER'S COMMENTS:

You moron! What you just described was 'nocturnal penile tumescence' aka 'morning boner', not 'morning stiffness'! I'm glad you're going to be a dentist and not a medical doctor. And how on earth could you have missed that the patient presented with RHEUMATOID FACTORS in his serum? Besides, when the f*ck did I teach you about this stuff? Morning boner is not a part of any syllabus for any dental student in the world. I guess Robin Williams was right when he said that god gave man a brain and a penis but not enough blood to run both at the same time. STOP THINKING WITH YOUR PENIS!

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There you go kids, another rejected exam question. Please avoid this question at all costs, don't bother studying about morning boners and please don't get confused between morning boners and morning stiffness.

You Could Be Mine

You Could Be Mine is a song by Guns N Roses that was featured on the soundtrack of Terminator 2: Judgment Day.

In the movie, it's played from a boombox that his friend is holding while John Connor is riding his dirt bike and the terminators are looking for him.

The music video for You Could Be Mine was probably the most popular video of 1991 and it's still one of my favourites. It's basically a retelling of The Terminator, where The Terminator is sent back in time to kill Guns N Roses instead of the usual John Connor or Sarah Connor, but when he confronts them, he decides that they're a waste of ammo so he just walks off, LOL. The video featured lots of clips from Terminator 2 and also had some shots of GNR wreaking havoc on stage. Arnold Schwarzenegger was also featured in the video. I prefer the faster GNR songs, not the epic power ballads that they are famous for, and this is definitely one of their faster songs.

Click here to watch the video. It rocks.

Incidentally, this song was also featured in the latest Terminator movie: Terminator Salvation. There's one scene where John Connor is trying to attract the attention of a Terminator bike and he draws its attention by turning on loud music on his boombox which looks similar to the one used in Terminator 2. The song that was playing on the boombox was of course, You Could Be Mine.

I just watched Terminator Salvation recently, and that's when I noticed that they used the same song. Another things that I noticed was Kyle Reese saying "Come with me if you want to live!" That line has been used in all the Terminator movies.

Besides that, John Connor said to Katherine Brewster "I'll be back". I couldn't stop laughing when I heard that. Click here to watch the scene that popularized that phrase. I'm sure you've heard this quote before, it's possibly the most famous quote from The Terminator series, more famous than "Come with me if you want to live" and maybe even more famous than "Hasta la vista baby". LOL.

One more reference to The Terminator is the fact that John Connor listens to voice recordings that his mother made. They're the exact same tapes that she made in The Terminator. I don't know if they used the same voice clips or if they rerecorded it.

Regarding recurring characters, the T800 that looks like Arnold Schwarzenegger is the only character to have appeared in all 4 Terminator movies. Arnold Schwarzenegger doesn't act in Terminator Salvation, they instead use some CGI animation to create his likeness which looks very realistic.

When Terminator 3 was released, the character of Dr Silberman was the only other character besides the T800 that had appeared in all the Terminator movies, unfortunately he doesn't appear in Terminator Salvation. Dr Silberman is the guy on the right in this picture, the guy on the left is Kyle Reese, as portrayed by Michael Biehn in The Terminator.

Inc conclusion, Terminator Salvation is filled to the brim with fan service and is all about paying homage to the previous movies in the series. There is one very important thing that it brings to the series, that is it shows us how John Connor became the leader of the human resistance. It also shows us what a post apocalyptic world actually looks like and introduces some new Terminator models that we haven't seen before. All of that makes it an important part of the series. Don't dismiss it by saying it's the same old thing because it's not. Watch it.

Let's Talk Fashion

For several months now, people have been duped into visiting this blog only to find that it's completely irrelevant to what they were looking for. It's not my fault that I write about so many different things, it's Google's fault that they keep redirecting people to my blog. One of the most successful of these traffic generators is Majalah Gl*mour, which I wrote about once. It was a pathetic post but a lot of people have viewed it and were most likely disappointed because this blog is not glamorous at all. I wouldn't want to disappoint anybody, so here are some fashion tips, specially for you Majalah Gl*mour fans:

A new school session has started and you'll probably want to reflect that in your appearance. Why not try a new hairstyle?

1. CINNAMON BUNS ARE MY FAVOURITE KIND OF BUN! This is not a hairstyle for the faint hearted. It's a classic look that all Star Wars fans will appreciate, all the boys in school will respect you for this.
Step 1: Don't wash your hair. Day old hair makes the best braids.
Step 2: Apply lots of mousse.
Step 3: Create a center parting. We'll do the left side first, so tilt your head to the left and let your hair fall down straight.
Step 4: Braid the left half of your hair.
Step 5: Wrap the braid around itself a few times.
Step 6: Secure it in place with a hair pin.
Step 7: If it still doesn't feel secure, hair spray that sucker until it's rock hard.
Step 8: Repeat on right side and voila, you've got yourself two cinnamon buns and a completely original look that I guarantee no other girl will have.

2. LOOK LIKE A REAL PRINCESS! This elegant hairstyle will be most suitable if you're attending an official function in school and want to show everybody how classy and lady like you are. You'll look like a princess who's giving out medals to the heroes who destroyed the Death Star.
Step 1: Don't wash your hair.
Step 2: Divide your hair into a larger upper section and a smaller lower section. Separate the two.
Step 3: Tie the upper section into a loose ponytail and loosely braid it.
Step 4: Once you finish braiding it, try and wrap it around itself or around some sort of padding. Wrap it around until it's nice and tall, like a crown.
Step 5: Use hair pins to secure the damned thing.
Step 6: Braid the lower section as well and let it hang loosely at the back.
You'll end up with something that looks like this:


3. DO THE HEIDI BRAID! My favourite hairstyle for this season. This is a very commanding look, Princess Leia sported this hairdo in Star Wars Episode 5 during the Battle of Hoth. It's also a very stately look as it is the trademark hairstyle of Ukrainian Prime Minister Yulia Tymoshenko. This hairdo will show the boys in school that you're the boss.
Step 1: Don't wash your hair.
Step 2: Do a center parting.
Step 3: Make one ponytail behind each ear.
Step 4: Braid the left ponytail into a three strand braid. This will be a French braid, so add more hair as you go and keep it tight against your head so it's secure. Make it go around your head and come back to the point where you started.
Step 5: Once you get back to the starting point, tie down the end of the braid with a rubber band.
Step 6: Start braiding the right ponytail. Once you're done, you can tuck the tassle of the braid under the first braid so it's not visible. Secure everything with a hairpin.
Step 7: Hair spray that sucker.
For those with shorter hair, you can braid both sides and make them meet in the center.


4. I LOVE YOU. I KNOW. Who could forget those classic lines that were exchanged by Princess Leia and Han Solo? And who could forget Princess Leia's hairstyle in that scene?
Step 1: Don't wash your hair.
Step 2: Get all your hair into a loose ponytail.
Step 3: Divide the ponytail into three parts.
Step 4: Braid the outer two parts and leave the middle one unbraided. After braiding the two sides, pin up the ends so they form a loop.
Step 5: Twist the middle part into a nice big bun.
You'll end up with something that looks like this:


5. I'M A SLAVE FOR YOU. If for some reason you really want to impress a Star Wars fanboy, you should definitely try this costume. But if your school has a strict dress code then maybe you can just do the hairstyle and leave the costume to his imagination.
Step 1: Don't wash your hair.
Step 2: Put all your hair into a loose ponytail.
Step 3: Braid half of that but don't braid it all the way down. Stop just before you reach the end.
Step 4: Braid the other half and coil it around very loosely to create a bun.
Step 5: Secure everything with hair pins.

6. IN THE JUNGLE. This Princess Leia hairstyle will make you look like a lion.
Step 1: Braid some hair under your ears.
Step 2: Braid some more hair behind your ears and wrap it around your head, so it'll look a bit like a thinner version of the Heidi Braid.
Step 3: Use a needle to thread some lacing around the braids in a criss cross pattern.
Step 4: Let the rest of your hair loose so you'll look like a lion.

I hope these six suggestions were useful. I realize that some of my instructions are oversimplified. For a more scientific approach to these hairstyles, please visit Imaginary Styles. They've got lots of instructions for those hairstyles you just read about and more. They even have instructions for hairstyles from Lord Of The Rings, Star Trek, The Chronicles Of Riddick etc. They have hairstyles for boys too, for example the Qui Gon Jin hairstyle and the Legolas hairstyle. If you're really feeling adventurous, they also have instructions for Queen Amidala hairstyles. Have fun.

In conclusion, my Star Wars marathon was a success. On top of memorizing all the lines, I've also managed to memorize all of Princess Leia's hairstyles. Star Wars rocks.

Leon The Professional

Leon The Professional is a movie about a little girl who wants to be an assassin. The little girl in question is a hot 12 year old named Matilda.

She learns the tricks of the trade from an assassin named Leon. Leon is a big baby and never finished growing up while Matilda is growing up too fast. He is the best assassin in town but he doesn't have any human friends. His best friend is a potted plant and he takes care of it like he loves it. Coincidentally the plant is called an 'angleonema'.


I don't know why people say this is a movie that paedophiles will enjoy. I enjoyed this movie because it taught me a lot about gardening.

Here are some of Leon's gardening tips:
1. Loosen the soil with your spade or cultivator or fork shaped thingy.


2. Pour water everyday. Just pour enough to keep the soil moist, don't flood the pot. For pitcher plants, you'll need to pour water into the pitchers. The cool thing is that the pitchers are actually extensions of the central vein of the leaves and they contain water and some other chemicals that allows for digestion of some unlucky insects that walk into the pitchers. So, there must always be water in it.

3. Put the plant on the window sill so he can get some sunlight. Leon only leaves his plant outside for a few hours. I think pitcher plants like light, but they don't like direct sunlight, so keep it under a shade, I think it's the same with some orchids.

4. Use a water sprayer to spray water on the individual leaves, then use a cloth and wipe off any excess water. Leon does this every night and he teachess Matilda to do it too. Not sure what the purpose is but it seems to be very soothing.

5. Cut out any old or dead leaves.

6. Talk to your plant. Leon has a chat with his plant every day. Apparently talking to plants is good for them because they grow healthier and it's good for you because you have someone to talk to. You'd be surprised but plants are very good listeners.

7. If you really love your plant so much, you shouldn't just leave it in a pot, you should plant it in the ground so it can grow roots. This last lesson is not by Leon, it's by Matilda. And she plants it in the ground at the end of the movie.

These are the basic steps for taking care of an easy to maintain plant. My gardening career is proceeding smoothly. No plants have died so far, Turtle Pot is in good shape. Actually these are just the basic steps that everybody knows. But I thought I could relate it to a movie.

In conclusion, Leon The Professional rocks because it can be just as appealing to gardening enthusiasts as it is to paedophiles. Watch it.

Splendor In The Grass

I'm having a Star Wars marathon now. My favourite movie couple is Han Solo and Princess Leia. Han Solo is a scoundrel and Princess Leia is intrigued by him because she's never been exposed to anything but nice boys all her life. This is my favourite scene that features the both of them.

Outside the Star Wars universe, my favourite movie couple would have to be Deannie Loomis and Bud Stamper from the 1961 movie Splendor In The Grass.

Bud Stamper is a jock and Wilma Dean 'Deannie' Loomis is his cute girlfriend. He's from a rich family and his father expects him to have more ambition and go to college etc. Deannie is a real looker, she's the daughter of a poor butcher and her mother wants her to get to know Bud a bit better but without going all the way with him. Guys don't respect a woman that's willing to go all the way. People are always looking at them and gossiping and telling them what to do. This movie is famous because it's about sexual repression and how it can make kids go crazy and destroy relationships. This is because people keep telling them to be respectful and not go too far that whenever they're together they feel uncomfortable and can't stand it.

The actress for the character of Deannie was Natalie Wood. She's a really good actress and shows some of her skills as an angry undersexed 1920s teenage girl in this movie. Unfortunately I'm easily distracted by a pretty face and I must say that she looks really nice in this movie. I thought it was really cute when she tried to make Bud jealous by trying to be a bad girl, and cut her nice long hair and changed it to a bad girl hairstyle.



She also looks really cute in her painter's outfit. Very ke ai. Is it called a smock?
I'm sorry I couldn't find any better picture of her.

Anyway what happens is that Deannie literally goes nuts over Bud's reluctance to get intimate with her and is admitted into a mental institution. She meets a nice guy there and he asks her to marry him. Bud goes off to college and meets a girl there and marries her and becomes a farmer. Bud and Deannie meet again several years later and they decide to get on with their lives, without holding the other person back. So, the moral of the story is that when you're young, you have these big ideas about things like love and when you get older you'll discover things aren't the way you imagined, you shouldn't keep living in the past but should use your experiences to make yourself stronger. Or something like that.

In fact, the title is derived from a poem by William Wordsworth called 'Odes On Intimations Of Immortality' and it sounds like this:

What though the radiance which was once so bright
Be now for ever taken from my sight,
Though nothing can bring back the hour
Of splendour in the grass, of glory in the flower;
We will grieve not, rather find
Strength in what remains behind...

Natalie Wood is so pretty but I was attracted to this movie by the Warren Beatty factor. I watched this movie a couple of years ago when I was obsessed with Warren Beatty's movies. If I was a 70 year old woman I'd be in love with him. Splendor In The Grass was his film debut. He hasn't made a lot of movies but most of the few that he made are really great. Here are a few awesome examples:

Dick Tracy.

Bugsy

REDS

Bonnie And Clyde

Shampoo

Bulworth


I wish I was more like Warren Beatty, he's really good looking, funny and super clever. I'll try and emulate his character Bud Stamper who became a farmer. I'm not going to quit dental school, but I'll try and get in touch with mother nature this week by becoming a gardener. My first assignment is to babysit this little guy. Meet Turtle Pot.

I'm not sure why he's called Turtle Pot. I suspect it's because his owner thinks that's the English translation for 'periuk kera'. If I'm not mistaken, the actual English translation would be 'monkey's pot' or 'monkey's cup'. 'Kera' means ape not turtle, 'kura-kura' means tortoise and 'penyu' means turtle. Please correct me if I'm wrong. He's a pitcher plant and we're going to have lots of fun together for the next one week.

In conclusion, watch Splendor In The Grass, it rocks. And Deannie Loomis and Bud Stamper are my second most favourite movie couple. Also, don't be upset when you discover that life isn't going the way you imagined it would, just use your experience as an advantage and keep moving forward.